Area Man's Plea: "Help! I'm Being Followed by The Onion!"

Kevin Klyzmymytzky, 78, a retired farmer and resident of this area for nearly 80 years, awoke this morning to the terrifying news that The Onion is following him on Twitter.

"I was just minding my own business, indulging in my old habit of checking soybean futures prices. Then I checked my email and saw an ominous warning that I am being 'followed on Twitter.' Moments later, I saw a blob-shaped shadow move across the shades that I keep drawn in my office. I was completely terrified."

Mr. Klyzmymytzky said that now, each time he steps outside his house, "I feel this hovering presence spying on me. I can't describe it, except that I sometimes see little flashes of white or yellow or purple while something--I never can see exactly what--quickly pulls out of sight around the corner.

"And when I'm driving my pickup truck, I have this eerie feeling that someone with bad onion-breath is breathing right on the back of my neck. But that's plumb silly, because my old truck is just a two-seater. And I don't never keep nothing in the other seat except my shotgun and two cases of beer."

Mr. Klyzmymytzky admits that he recently may have opened a Twitter account accidentally. "There's no other explanation. I thought I was applying for a federal bailout for retired soybean farmers, but I guess I clicked on the wrong link."

The longtime area resident reported that after he read the email warning and saw the shadow, he "called the police right away. But they just said I should buy a couple of pounds of liver and have a nice meal and a nice day.

"I also called Homeland Security. They just suggested that I should try to catch The Onion, then slice it up and invite them over for hamburgers."

Mr. Klyzmymytzky warned that he now carries his shotgun at the ready, even when he is inside his house.

"I tell every shadow I see: 'Go ahead, make my day!' Look, I'm just an old man who lives alone, and there ought to be a law against anything called Twitter that takes advantage of senior citizens. And it ought to be a felony for onions to follow people. None of this would be happening if Franklin Delano Roosevelt was still president, I assure you!"

-- Si Dunn

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