Confessions of a Script Doctor

Most first-time screenplay writers can't bear to hear the bad news: Their scripts were not only dead on arrival at a production company, they were dead long before arrival.

Screenplays look deceptively simple on paper. For example:

JOHN bites into a jelly donut and fires his .38 at a roach running across the ceiling. The bullet JUST MISSES the creepy, skittering critter.

John looks at his gun quizzically and then looks at MARSHA.

JOHN
I love you, Marsha. You know I do.

Marsha smiles demurely and takes the jelly donut from his hand. She throws it--HARD--at the roach, now running down a wall, and SPLATs it.

Roach and donut THUD to the floor.

MARSHA
Yes, I do. But show me again, John. Prove you love me.

And so forth, for 90 to 125 Academy Award-worthy pages.

In much of my practice as a script doctor, my "patients" arrive at my office already dead. They are just a bunch of zombie vowels, consonants and punctuations crammed into PDFs or printed out on three-hole paper.

Producers--but, more specifically, the all-powerful freelance script readers hired by producers to render judgment on "spec" (speculative) screenplays--would start seeing the dreaded "PASS!" word in their minds within the first two or three pages of these scripts.

So it is my job to try to bring the zombie typing back to life--or at least try to make it a little less dead--so my clients' screenplays have a better chance of being read and considered for purchase and production.

A couple of things I have observed about many first-time screenwriters:

1. They paid no attention in English class.

2. They paid less than no attention in English class.

When I must try to resurrect a dead screenplay, most of my work initially involves fixing grammar, spelling and punctuation problems, usually a dozen or more errors per page.

Many of Hollywood's script readers were conscientious English students, so a screenplay must be almost completely error-free. Otherwise, the readers will start noticing and mentally counting the blunders, rather than focusing on the story the writer is trying to convey.

After I clean up the grammar, spelling and punctuation problems, then and only then can I get to the real work of trying to help the characters, descriptions and plot become a story--a movie--that somebody might actually want to see.

Then and only then can I also start trying to (1) eliminate a billion dollars' worth of special effects that nobody can afford to produce and (2) find the heart and soul of the story--if it has a heart and soul beneath its myriad explosions, car chases and outbursts of gunfire.

Often, it's a tale about a discredited, burned-out FBI agent or CIA agent trying to save the world by driving fast, shooting assorted guns, blowing stuff up--and falling in love. New screenwriters, especially the young male ones, all seem to be infected with this same, lame story line.

Doctoring a "spec" script--one created merely out of hope by a writer without a paid assignment--often is an ugly process, but somebody has to do it. And that's why I'm paid the small bucks by a few producers and screenwriters willing to admit they need some help.

I know where to put the commas--and the smoldering love and the blazing gunfire--in the verbal sausage otherwise known as a screenplay.

-- Si Dunn

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The Next Great Crisis: Blogger's Bottom

Too many of us now are just sitting around, typing stuff and reading postings such as "OMG! She said what?! OMG! LOL!" and "Bulletin to the world: I'm BORED!"

Blogger's bottom, Twitter tush...if you're reading drivel such as this (and this), it's just further proof that BB and TT have reached out-of-control, epidemic proportions in American society.

Help fight BB and TT today. Get up from your...computer long enough to do something else for a few seconds.

LOL! OMG! ZZZZZ!

--Si Dunn

Online Courses: A Good Option?

Many parents and students rightly are worried about the high cost of a college education, especially in the face of the current economic disaster.

Some pundits now describe a college degree as the high school diploma of the 21st century and recommend pushing ahead to a master's degree. That's easy to say and very difficult to afford.

Online courses and online degrees increasingly are being offered by reputable universities and colleges, as well as by scam schools.

Good online courses can be taken for credit and for prices well below the cost of attending on-campus classes. For example, Harvard University has an active online program of undergraduate and graduate courses, through its Extension School.

The University of Colorado-Denver and Ohio University are just two of many other campuses with online programs. Students all over the United States and world are now enrolled in online courses at many dozens of colleges and universities.

Some online classes follow a semester schedule, while others are self-paced. The University of Colorado at Boulder, for example, has some self-paced courses.

Careful research can help you find the best online programs and compare the prices of similar courses. Be sure to determine if the credits offered by a particular school can be transferred to other colleges or universities.

Online classes represent one good way to at least get started on a college education or to continue making progress, if full-time college attendance is economically out of the question right now.


--Si Dunn

Small Business: Too Big to Fail?

America's small businesses should also be viewed as "too big to fail." Indeed, small business should be given much greater focus in efforts to revive the national economy.

Small businesses create most of the nation's jobs. With better and focused support, they could create more jobs quickly.

With the top of the economy now in tatters and ruins, the recovery basically will have to come from the bottom up. That includes small business and the millions who own or work for small enterprises. The vast majority of them make a lot less than $250,000.

"Trickle down" has been completely and utterly discredited.

It's time now to emphasize and build upon "trickle up."

-- Si Dunn

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Am I Twittering Now? Or Am I Just a Twit?

This is a test. This is only a test. This is a test of my first attempt to use the Twitterfeed system.

I am much older than the typical Twitter-er, so perhaps I can be forgiven for resorting to the ancient technique that harkens back to somebody walking onto a stage five minutes before a high school assembly and thumping the microphone, blowing into it and saying: "Test, test, testing, 1-2-3-4..."

Had this been an actual article or rant, it might have contained information (a) worth reading; or (b) not worth reading.

This test is being conducted to verify that I can link my blog, which almost nobody reads, to my Twitter account, which a few people possibly read and likely wonder why they bother.

This concludes this test of the Twitterfeed system.

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Have We Recovered Yet? Well, Why Not???

By Si Dunn

It's getting ridiculous out there in World Recession Land.

Pollsters here and abroad are surveying the public on whether or not they expect President Obama to make a good speech to Congress tonight about the economic crisis. News flash: Some people do and some people don't expect the President to make a good speech tonight. And a few people have no opinion at all or just don't care. (Feel free to quote my unscientific but common-sense poll results.)

The Republicans already are attacking the speech before it has been given and lining up a multiracial presidential hopeful from Louisiana (that paragon of fiscal stability) to give the GOP "response." Can you say "Tax cuts"? How about: "Earmarks" and "Why weren't we consulted? We have a lot of good ideas, such as tax cuts...and more tax cuts. Oh, and tax cuts!"

Meanwhile, world economies seem to be in free fall. Their financial leaders are particularly worried about Citigroup and Bank of America and AIG, plus a few others. Meanwhile, everyday citizens here and in Great Britain, Ireland, Russia, China and elsewhere are blaming "greedy bankers" and "bank bonuses," because the rest of the mumbo-jumbo makes absolutely no sense to those of us who don't have MBAs and a few years' experience at investment banks and have just lost our jobs and life savings.

We can certainly imagine major investment fraudsters hanging from lampposts, but we can't figure out how to string up or shoot a "derivative."

Anyway, everything apparently hangs in the balance with President Obama's speech. The whole enchilada. Some people apparently hope he will come up with the magic formula that gets us back to "the good old days" by next Friday, or Monday at the latest.

Good luck with that. A good speech is just a good speech, unless it somehow generates a rallying cry that sweeps America and the world.

Look, no one is going to save us except ourselves. The recovery will have to come from the bottom up, because the top is in meltdown and total chaos and ruins.

Figure out what you can do today to help yourself, your family, your friends and your favorite small businesses stay afloat in these absurd times.

Spend some money. Save some money. Sell off some crap on eBay or Amazon. Unclutter your life. Get lean and mean. Take some classes. Learn some new things. Stay in touch, but don't let the bad news keep knocking you down.

The recovery starts with you, with me, with us. Let's get it started now.

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The Ridiculous Republicans Strike (Out) Again

By Si Dunn

Wow! Leaders of the Republican factions that did not support the recent efforts to get an economic stimulous package passed are now claiming President Obama is "off to a bad start," according to CNN Politics. And they are complaining that he is not being bipartisan.

With those two whines, the Ridiculous Republicans have just become the Amazingly Ridiculous Republicans. They have gotten so far out of touch with the economic crisis--and with the needs of the "real" American people--that they are now inhabiting a separate universe. It's a universe where America is ruled by a king, Rush Limbaugh, and everyone has a two-word vocabulary: "Tax cuts."

The Republicans certainly were not bipartisan when they held sway during the eight years of the Bush Administration. But now they are demanding bipartanship from President Obama, even though he has gone out of his way to confer with them--and promises to keep conferring with them.

"Almost all of our proposals went down on a party-line vote," the lead Amazingly Ridiculous Republican, Sen. John McCain, complained.

Well, sir, in case you have forgotten, that's often what happens to parties that end up with a minority of the votes.

A bunch of Republican-desired tax cuts did make it into the stimulous package, and as for the rest, well, the majority decided they sucked and took them out. That's just the way the process works, bucko.

So spare us the indignant complaints, please. Figure out some new ways you can step forward and work with the ruling majority to help get our nation out of the major mess your previous "leadership" helped create.

You lost. The other side won. Get over it and start putting up some fresh ideas, if you have any.

At this point, you've driven "tax cuts" straight into the ground.

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Take This Tax Cut...and SHOVE IT!!!

By Si Dunn

I managed to retire just in time. But now, some of my limited income and retirement savings are being used to help keep some of my adult children afloat.

They absolutely need a helping hand right now from the Bank of Dad. (Memo to Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner: Dude, I may need TARP funds soon.)

I'm also hearing from friends now doing the same thing. All across America, millions of branches of the Bank of Dad and the Bank of Mom are bleeding capital.

Their grown kids are out of work, out of health care coverage and having to quit college for lack of money. And their new-job prospects are zero. They fill out application after application and add them to thick stacks of other applications piling up for the same low-end, no-benefits position.

To the Republicans currently fighting tooth and nail (gold tooth and manicured nail, of course) against President Obama's economic recovery package, I have just one thing to say: Take all of your pet tax cuts...and shove 'em where the sun don't shine.

The need for jobs is NOW. The need for health care assistance is NOW. The need for more college funding is NOW. The repairs to crumbling infrastructure need to be done NOW.

And the money needs to be there NOW, not sometime in 2010 or 2011 or 2012, if it miraculously trickles down at all. Millions of people are hurting, scared and worried...NOW...and they need help and reassurance...NOW.

How will one your prized tax cuts feed their family tonight? How will a tax cut pay for their doctor visit and prescription medications tomorrow? How will a tax cut keep a son or daughter from dropping out of college next Monday?

Senators and Congresspersons, what part of NOW do you not understand?

Clearly, you don't venture much outside the Beltway, nor outside your cozy, socially-insulated clubs of well-off friends. Your advisors feed you just what you want to hear: Everything's rosy and another tax cut will make life even better.

President Obama went to Elkhart, Indiana, and held a town hall meeting in a city where unemployment is now approaching 16 percent. He answered stimulus and tax cut questions and tried to reassure Americans that we can get through this very real crisis if we work together.

What have you, Republicans on Capitol Hill, done lately for middle-class and lower-class Americans...except to stretch out their pain, heighten their fear and feed their sense of uncertainty with your stalling tactics, posturing speeches, and appalling yammerings about "tax cuts" and "pork."

There are now hundreds of thousands of Americans who would dearly love to have some pork--just a few slices--at their dinner table tonight.

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Senator Tom Coburn Shows His Strength ... as a Job Killer

By Si Dunn

In the movies, the good guys almost always win.

But Oklahoma Sen. Tom Coburn proved recently that the bad guys can win, too, after he took a look at the proposed $246 million tax break for movie production companies.

Instead of investigating and understanding how the tax break could save and create jobs, he simply saw vicious pork and proposed an amendment to strip it out of the Senate's stimulus bill.

Unfortunately, a number of other prominent U.S. Senators, primarily Republican, also demonstrated their ignorance of the movie business and how its health is vital to the American economy.

The vote was 52 in favor of Coburn's amendment and 45 opposed. Only a simple majority was needed to pass the amendment.

Sen. Coburn and the others who opposed the tax break should now congratulate themselves on efficiently killing off thousands of movie production jobs, post-production jobs and jobs at film manufacturing companies and film suppliers.

THE END

One Man's 'Pork' Is Another Man's Movie Project That Creates Jobs

By Si Dunn

The leaders of the Ridiculous Republicans have just published a list of what they consider "wasteful" spending in the Senate's version of an economic stimulus bill.

Near the top of their list is a "$246 million tax break for Hollywood movie producers to buy motion picture film," according to CNN.

Wait a minute. Aren't the Ridiculous Republicans all about reducing taxes? Are they now labeling a tax cut as "pork"?

Clearly they don't understand anything about the movie business.

Number one, it's expensive to make a movie, especially with film. And, despite all of the great digitial advances in recent years, film remains a very beautiful and viable medium for making movies. Movies made with film still look better than movies made digitally. And using film forces better planning and efficiency on the set. You don't just turn on a camera and let it run for two hours while people horse around and do 32 takes of one scene.

A tax break on the cost of film means a producer can put more money elsewhere into his or her production. That means more crew members can be hired. And at least some of the film specialists at post-production labs get to keep their jobs.

Producers who buy film also help keep employees of film manufacturing companies and film processing labs both productive and earning money for their companies.

Things definitely have not been great at Kodak lately. Some of the survivors of recent Kodak layoffs no doubt are now looking to Congress for help with keeping their jobs. Selling more movie film would keep at least some of them employed.

With a tax break on film sales, film editors get more work. Camera operators and focus pullers with experience on film cameras get more work. Lighting crews with experience on film projects get more work. Other members of production crews also get more work.

Jobs are created, and jobs are saved.

This is exactly the sort of economic stimulus that is needed now. And the Ridiculous Republicans are--to put it gently--scurrilous scoundrels and running dogs for opposing it.

You can't incessantly run around screaming "Tax cuts! Tax cuts! Tax cuts!" to the heavens and the moon and then oppose a tax break that both saves and creates jobs in a time of frighteningly high unemployment.

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