White House Declares: 'If We're Toast, Let's Have Breakfast!'

By Si Dunn

A top NASA scientist has declared “We’re toast…!” if we don’t act quickly and urgently to counter global warming.

According to a source deep within the White House, the Bush Administration has been spurred into high gear by this new NASA warning and is pushing forward its latest environmental action plan: generous tax breaks for all American manufacturers of bread, butter, margarine, jellies, preserves and jams.

“Hey, if we’re toast," the White House source said, "we may as well go out in grand style with a good breakfast. How about a short stack of carbon-credit pancakes and some greenhouse eggs and ham on the side?”

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Republicans Promise FREE Gas for All!!!

By Si Dunn

CBS News has reported that Republicans once again have blocked Democratic efforts to tax bloated oil profits and use some of the money to fund research and development of alternative energy sources.

The Republicans apparently have a new energy plan of their own. And here are some key details, leaked exclusively to Dateline: Oblivion by sources deep within the GOP.

"Making President Bush's tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans permanent, at least into the 29th century, will drive down gasoline prices by $3 a gallon immediately," one high-level Republican promised.

"And if drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Preserve in Alaska is approved and made permanent," another top-level source added, "gas prices will drop by at least another $3 a gallon, right away."

Asked if this means what it seems to mean, yet another top-level GOP policy wonk grinned enthusiastically. "That's absolutely right! If gasoline prices stay below $6 a gallon, the federal government then will have to start paying you to drive! Is this a great plan or what? All you have to do is let us extend a few little bitty ole tax cuts out toward infinity--which ain't nothin' but an '8' tipped on its side, anyway--and then kick a few mangy seals and caribou out of the way. Next thing you'll know, you'll be topping off your Hummer again and getting rebate checks every time you fill up!"

Sources equally deep within the Democratic Party said they are aware of the secret Republican energy plan. "We have moles--secret Obama admirers, in fact--already at work within their ranks. Whether they try to bring this scheme up for a vote before the November election or after President Obama is inaugurated, it will be toast. We'll even stage a big photo opportunity and cook it in a solar oven, to save energy," the Democratic source declared.

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Obama-Clinton: Make It So

By Si Dunn

After the results in the South Dakota and Montana primaries are known, Hillary Clinton is expected to acknowledge that Barack Obama has gathered the necessary delegates to secure the nomination, and she will end her run for the presidency.

The best strategy now for uniting the Democratic Party and defeating John McCain will be for Sen. Obama to ensure that Sen. Clinton becomes his running mate. This will help minimize race and gender in the equations for future presidential campaigns. And it will unite two powerful and inspiring voices for renewed action and change in our tired and troubled land.

Obama-Clinton. Make it so!

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