John McCain to Fight Global Warming by Cutting Earth's Atmosphere

By Si Dunn

WASHINGTON, D.C.--Building on his promise to preserve and extend George W. Bush's tax cuts for wealthy Americans, Republican presidential candidate John McCain announced today that he will fight global warming by removing 50 percent of the nitrogen from Earth's atmosphere by 2012.

"It's mostly an inert gas, folks. It just floats there, takes up space, and does nothing to contribute to economic growth," McCain declared at an impromptu press conference near the Lone Sailor statue at Washington's Navy Memorial. "So we're gonna suck it straight out of the sky and start creating more room for carbon and other aerial byproducts of a robust, growing economy."

To avoid a nitrogen glut, McCain also announced a plan to encourage automakers to voluntarily retrofit existing SUVs and other gas-guzzling vehicles to run on nitrogen by 2058. "Yeah, the cars will be pretty old by then," McCain conceded. "But if they are kept up on blocks in a decent garage, they can provide affordable transportation and housing for the poor--housing that the federal government won't have to subsidize--fifty years from now. What low-income family wouldn't want the chance to live in a classic Ford Expedition or Chevy Suburban or Lincoln Navigator and also drive it around burning almost-free nitrogen?"

A spokesman for the Obama campaign had no immediate comment. But a well-placed Obama consultant hinted that the Democratic contender may now be working on a plan to reduce hot-air emissions inside the Beltway. "He'll say that we deserve a cooler government. And the best way to get it is to reduce Republicans in the House and Senate by 60 percent, or more, by 2012."

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White House Declares: 'If We're Toast, Let's Have Breakfast!'

By Si Dunn

A top NASA scientist has declared “We’re toast…!” if we don’t act quickly and urgently to counter global warming.

According to a source deep within the White House, the Bush Administration has been spurred into high gear by this new NASA warning and is pushing forward its latest environmental action plan: generous tax breaks for all American manufacturers of bread, butter, margarine, jellies, preserves and jams.

“Hey, if we’re toast," the White House source said, "we may as well go out in grand style with a good breakfast. How about a short stack of carbon-credit pancakes and some greenhouse eggs and ham on the side?”

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Bush on Climate Change: Better Never Than Late?

By Si Dunn

With barely nine months left in his lame-duck presidency, George W. Bush is set to propose a “new strategy” for reducing greenhouse gases.

Details have not yet leaked out. But some pundits predict Bush will proclaim that making his tax cuts permanent is the only way to save the planet from thermal runaway. Others speculate that he will call upon all environmentalists to “surge.” Or, he may send Condoleezza Rice on a secret mission to meet with dissident Chinese climatologists.

More boldly, however, Bush may order a preemptive nuclear strike on water vapor, which causes more of the greenhouse effect than carbon dioxide does. That way, if we can’t have victory in Iraq, maybe we can at least have some serious shock and awe… in the stratosphere.

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