Drive OPEC nuts! Drive Big Oil nuts! Drive Hugo Chavez nuts!

By Si Dunn

According to a recent Christian Science Monitor opinion column, the "patriotic answer" to $4-a-gallon gas is: "Drive less, and slow down."

That simple strategy worked during World War II, when gasoline was rationed and speed limits were lowered. And it worked during the panic-driven 1979 energy crisis, when gasoline again had to be rationed and speed limits had to be lowered to bring demand back into balance with supply.

It isn't rocket science to suggest that making heavier use of the Internet, email and telephones also can help conserve gasoline. More people working from home at least one day a week will lower gasoline consumption and also ease gasoline-wasting traffic jams. Furthermore, having a workforce able to continue business away from the office is a good survival strategy for companies suddenly hit by a disaster, such as an earthquake or fire. Californians have demonstrated the success of this strategy over and over in recent few decades.

The next President of the United States (and it would have to be Obama, not McCain) will need to give Americans a patriotic challenge: Slow down, drive less, and use every technical and common-sense means at your disposal to help push down our nation's thirst for oil. Our nation needs your help.

Congress may have to have the courage to impose some restrictions on highway speeds or higher taxes on gasoline sales (and use the money to fund mass-transit improvements).

American automakers may have to move economical vehicle designs off their back shelves and into showrooms at breakneck speed.

Motorcycles, motorscooters and bicycles may become even more trendy and numerous on the roads.

Perhaps civilian Hummers and oversized SUVs can be donated to the military in return for a tax break and refurbished for combat or for duty as live-fire training targets for pilots, drone operators and artillery crews. We aren't likely to see many solar-powered Hummers festooned with peace symbols and flower-power slogans buzzing down the road.

Speculators and oil executives aside, gasoline prices mainly are a matter of supply and demand. The less we demand, the more supply will remain in the pipeline. And prices will drop.

It should become both patriotic and socially trendy to use mass transit and to shop closer to home and to work closer to home or at home. We also should recall how to walk or ride a bicycle or hitch a ride from friendly neighbors when making short trips.

Neighbors may need to step away from their big-screen TVs long enough to get to know each other and work out schedules for carpooling to shopping centers or grocery stores.

More goods can be ordered online, even from local companies, and carried to you via the U.S. Postal Service, which already is delivering in your neighborhood. Local businesses may have to hire more bicycle delivery riders. You may have to walk a half mile to your next haircut and actually get some beneficial exercise.

The basic goal should be to "Drive OPEC Nuts! Drive Big Oil Nuts! Drive Hugo Chavez Nuts!" by driving less and spending less on gasoline. And this new lifestyle should become a permanent fixture in American culture, even as gasoline supplies once again rise and new energy alternatives such as wind power, solar power and hydrogen power increasingly come on line.

Drive OPEC nuts. Drive Big Oil nuts. Drive Hugo Chavez nuts. We know exactly how to do this, if we will just have the courage of our conniptions. We are rebels and innovators at heart. Instead of Don't Tread on Me, we can fly flags that proclaim Gasoline??? We don't need no stinkin' gasoline! and Let them eat oil!

If we do this, we won't be driving tanks, Hummers, mine-resistant behemoths, and thousands of our young men and young women into any more trillion-dollar battles for sand and Middle Eastern oil.

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McCain Advisor Dr. Phil (Gramm) Declares We're All Mental Cases

By Si Dunn

We're all a bunch of whiners, and the recession is all in our minds, one of John McCain's economic advisors, Dr. Phil Gramm, recently told The Washington Times.

"Whew! I feel better already!" a recently laid-off airline baggage handler declared after learning of the upbeat economic diagnosis by "that other Dr. Phil."

"For a moment, I thought was severely depressed about losing my job and not having any money or benefits. It's great news to know that I am just imagining all of this and whining without appreciating how well off I really am! Things could be much worse. I could still be commuting 40 miles each way to that job I used to have and still paying record prices for gasoline. I should count my blessings," the ex-baggage handler declared.

He was interviewed while standing in a block-long line outside the local office of his state unemployment agency. When others in line overheard Dr. Gramm's diagnosis, loud choruses of "Hallelujah!" erupted, and many people left the line and headed home with big smiles on their faces.

"John McCain and his brilliant advisors will save us all from the economic sins of poverty!" one woman shouted as she tore up her unemployment application form. "It's all in our heads, people! All in our heads!"

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Republicans Promise FREE Gas for All!!!

By Si Dunn

CBS News has reported that Republicans once again have blocked Democratic efforts to tax bloated oil profits and use some of the money to fund research and development of alternative energy sources.

The Republicans apparently have a new energy plan of their own. And here are some key details, leaked exclusively to Dateline: Oblivion by sources deep within the GOP.

"Making President Bush's tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans permanent, at least into the 29th century, will drive down gasoline prices by $3 a gallon immediately," one high-level Republican promised.

"And if drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Preserve in Alaska is approved and made permanent," another top-level source added, "gas prices will drop by at least another $3 a gallon, right away."

Asked if this means what it seems to mean, yet another top-level GOP policy wonk grinned enthusiastically. "That's absolutely right! If gasoline prices stay below $6 a gallon, the federal government then will have to start paying you to drive! Is this a great plan or what? All you have to do is let us extend a few little bitty ole tax cuts out toward infinity--which ain't nothin' but an '8' tipped on its side, anyway--and then kick a few mangy seals and caribou out of the way. Next thing you'll know, you'll be topping off your Hummer again and getting rebate checks every time you fill up!"

Sources equally deep within the Democratic Party said they are aware of the secret Republican energy plan. "We have moles--secret Obama admirers, in fact--already at work within their ranks. Whether they try to bring this scheme up for a vote before the November election or after President Obama is inaugurated, it will be toast. We'll even stage a big photo opportunity and cook it in a solar oven, to save energy," the Democratic source declared.

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